• Categories

  • Archives

Defining Moments

In every person’s life there are events that change you forever.  You can look back and see a clear divide between before and after.   You were one person before and someone else after.

Defining moments

The birth of a child, especially the first child,  is that type of event for most parents.

Josiah’s birth was a defining moment for me but not only for the usual reasons.  His birth was the most traumatic event of my life.  When I look back, I feel like I don’t even know the person I was before.

I almost lost a child that day and my own life was at risk. It all happened so fast. The world became a scary place where any terrible thing could happen at any time.

It changed me.

I have often wondered why it has had such a dramatic impact on my life?  I think it comes down to this; before I believed that if I just made the right choices, behaved properly and believed the right things, I would be SAFE. 

Theologically incorrect and self -righteous.

After, God’s goodness came into question in a devastating way- the questions that had previously been whispering to me, were now SHOUTING.

Is God real?

Does He love me?

Will he protect me?

Is He sovereign?

I told myself things like-  Your son is alive! He is healthy! You are alive! You should just be grateful!

Oh the guilt...

You know what??

I AM SO VERY GRATEFUL TO GOD FOR ALL OF THAT AND MORE!

However, that gratitude does not silence the grief of dreams and innocence lost.  It does not silence the guilt I sometimes still feel when I wonder “did I do something to cause it??” It does not silence the questions and doubts that arise from going through something that seems so senseless.

Grief and gratitude are not mutually exclusive and neither are faith and doubt!

I have had to adjust my theology from God will protect me if I do/say/think all the right things to God works all things together for the good of those that love him…  My “safety” is totally out of my hands.  My good deeds don’t save me in a spiritual or a physical way.

One of the most painful things about this season of my life was the feeling that I was alone.  I felt like people only wanted to hear the praise but not the pain

If you know a mom (or anyone) who has gone through something like this, even if they are spouting joy and praise, there is probably underlying pain, grief, guilt and doubt. 

Ask them questions and don’t be afraid of the answers.

I say that knowing many people will be afraid of the answers.

I am not anymore.

Josiah’s birth was a defining moment in a messy and beautiful way.  As Glennon Melton from Momastery.com says, it was “brutiful.”  Both brutal and beautiful.

I may not remember the girl I was before Josiah was born but I am getting to know who I am now.  It’s messy and good.  I have more to offer a hurting world now…

I am a beautiful mess and He is truly bringing beauty from the ashes.

Advertisements

Confessions of a Less Than Perfect Mom

So, this whole “mom” thing is kind of hard for me.  I keep waiting for the “I was made for this” epiphany to take place.

Still waiting…

Sure, I have those wonderful moments.  You know the ones.  They are rare and last about 2 seconds. The house is clean, the bills are paid, dinner is in the crock-pot, and the kids are contently playing with each other.  Then, just when I am about to congratulate myself, Asha screams from the other room.  I run towards her.  Clearly, someone is murdering her…

As it turns out, the house is no longer clean… they dumped ALL the toys and squished ALL the goldfish deep into the carpet.  Asha will now scream for at least 30 minutes because Josiah took just ONE of her many necklaces.  Of course, he needs it to rescue Batman from the water…

Most of the time I feel like one of those Greyhound dogs at the race track.  They run hard after that rabbit but they never catch it.  My “rabbit” is contentment.

Such an elusive little rabbit.

Here is my big secret…. I wasn’t made for this. 

Were you?  

Please don’t misunderstand me.  I love my kids and would give my life for them. If I could go back in time and choose again, I would choose them a million times.

That said, being a mother means laying down almost everything that makes me feel like myself… the very things I do feel like I was made to do.

I know I am not the only mom that feels out of her element when it comes to motherhood.

Right?

Not many talk about it because of ugly “mom guilt.”

Here’s the thing, admitting that you don’t fit the mom mold doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids!

Admitting that being a mother does not fulfill your every desire does not make you a bad mom.

So, here I am admitting all those things.

My journey as a mother has not been all cupcakes and rainbows but one thing is for sure…

THEY ARE WORTH IT!